maybe yes..maybe no..

ok, the feeling of depression i had a few days ago are slowly fading away.. not that i'm ok with the situation already, it's just that i think i need to do something about that.. taking my own independent steps without having to wait for anyone to come and console me about the whole situation.. hihihihii.. positive thinking now, huh?? lol.. hurmm.. now, i have something else on mind.. actually, it's on my mind for quite some time now, but since it's a very MAJOR secret of my own feeling, no one really knows or sure about what's palying on my mind about this matter right this moment.. yes, i'm admitting that this couple of months have been so crucial to me, when i think a lot about my personal life.. personal life here means...urmm.. love life, perhaps..?? can i say that..?? oh, what the hell, i've said it.. lol.. ok, continue about it.. yes, i can't deny it anymore that sometimes i'm feeling rather lonely without someone there who i think can support me and hear me without fail.. yes, it's kinda my fault for not having great relationship with any guys lately because of my own attitude.. good guys, opps.. correction, GREAT GUYS appeared in front of me this few years, but how stupid of me either having them in my hands(woahh, harsh words) but feeling that they are not great of a guy, OR ignored guys who were right in front of me, and who are PERFECT, but i jus didn't realise it cos the so-called mindset of staying it as friends OR even falling for the wrong guy.. ughh.. what a life, nowadays.. what makes me sometimes felt alone and so outcast from my friends is that most of them, or should i say, all of them, have someone special in their life.. yes, some people might say, i'm too young for all this stuff, but, hey, i'm 19, (well, turning 19 this november) and i think i ought to experience something wonderful in my life.. just imagine, if most of your friends.. wether your friends from d campus(classmates) or even ex schoolmates or even my hostelmates, all of them have someone that they can talk about.. all i can talk about to my friends, is on what's going on with my life, or anything funny that i jus experienced or i saw lately.. no fun at all.. ok, i must say, i had some fun talking about all those stuff, but, hey, when u're feeling down, or like my case 1% OF CONFIDENCE, someone who can boost up my confidence would be a great help.. haishh..!! ok, stop talking about all those stupid backgrounds of my life.. now, let's talk about the current issue.. i think i'm having a crush on a guy whom i know my whole life..!! yes, my whole life..!! not only me, everyone in my family knows the existence of him, because he is someone very close to the family.. hurmm.. from now on, let's call him A(note that, this is not his real name and his name does not start with that letter).. this is all started way back a few years ago, when their making fun of me and him, and i think he didn't even know about this matter.. lol.. ok..ok.. better said, it all started when his parents said something about me n his son, n i'm not really sure what about, but my sister insisted on saying and keep on saying that there will be something going on between the two of us somewhere in the future.. and there were a few hints before that that shows he's showing somesigns, which i don't wanna take it too serious cos hey, i don't wanna be, AGAIN, the only one liking the guy.. so, i just kept it quiet all this while.. until recently, i can't help it but feeling something weird when he's around.. and he made me eager to go to more functions(what functions, i can't tell, cos if not, everyone will know about it).. and even worse, lately, i heard a lot of CRUSH song from DAVID ARCHULETTA.. the radio kept on spinning that song evrytime i'm in the car.. and everytime i heard that song, it made me think about him the whole time, and somehow it made me feel a bit sad cos i know, there's no way we'll get together.. cos, it's just impossible.. he's too close to me, but yet he's soo far away.. is it a psychology thing cos hearing people saying that we should be together and stuff or is it a real crush..?? i don't know.. and sometimes i think i hate this kind of feelings, cos at the end of the day i'll be the one who will be hurt.. owh, and one more crazy thing that made me think it was a crush this time cos i want him to know that i am single, by showing it in my status.. ok, like this.. sometimes, i feel like i need a new person in my life, and that will bring me to the dreams of changing my status on facebook, myspace or even friendster.. and it is a huge step for me, because all this while, even if i'm in a relationship, i will NEVER change my status to in a relationship or aything like that.. i'll just let it be single, i don't know why.. but now, i can't wait to change the status.. hehehhehe.. but, at the same time, i don't wanna change my status because i wanna be available for him the whole time.. psycho... yes!!! but, it's the truth, and i think every girl who have a crush will somehow will feel the same way.. but, how long should i wait until he make his move..?? until he got a new someone..?? wooahh.. i will be devastated again.. shiisshh, like i'm not used to that kinda situation.. lol.. whatever it is, i need answers... FAST!!