Thursday, February 24, 2011

new road

yesterday, i went to the company that I am doing my internship at to take and sign on the offer letter.. alhamdulillah, after a very stressful months of emailing, calling and went for interview(even if i only went for one interview) but it was all worth it at the end.. with the company that i have manage to get an offer from, it's all worth it. well, of course, some will say it's a bit unfair cos i got in because of some contacts, but hey, i did the interview, the super-stressful online test, all on my own.. so, i have to take some credit for that right?

i have no intention of disclosing which company i am going to.. siapa tahu, tahu laa.. hahahaha.. entah, for some people, you wanna tell the whole world about it.. siap forwarding the offer letter lagi! but for me, well, what the hell.. it's good enough that people know that you're doing your internship.. hihihihi..

only a few days left before the big first day.....!!! anxious? not really.. nervous...? a bit... sad..? very much!! cos it's like i'm going through another new phase.. yes, people say, oh come on don't make a huge deal out of it.. ure still coming back for classes later on.. but it's 6 months!! 6 months of getting up early, n then going back home late.. omg!!! i still can't digest this thoughts yet! lol

to all my mmu friends who are still in campus, i'm gonna miss you guys so much... hopefuly this 6 months fly by without even me realizing it so that we can finally hang out again.. yeay!!!n to my fellow saktinians.. gosh!! will be missing dancing practices for two semesters!! *gasp* but nevermind, had my last performance like a few hours ago.....ALONE..!!! solo performance ok... bahahahahahaa.. ok..ok.. not bragging and talking about that..

anywayy.. hopefully this internship will make me a better person, will teach me a greater value in life.. and hopefully eventhough all this working thins going on, and boyfie is doing his thing too, working and stuff(and god knows where will he be located for his job) hopefully everything stays the same.. hihihihi..

and oh, hopefully i am ready for the 6 working days in a week as mentioned in the offer letter.. *gulp* i can go through this!! yeahh!! =p

~beauteeful shyunkk

Monday, February 21, 2011

the future

life is a total puzzle.. you don't know what will happen next in your life.. it's soo confusing if you think too much of it. soo.. the best thing is to just sit back relax and take it all in... BUT at the same time, try and see if you can manage to figure it out on your way to getting the missing pieces in the puzzle..

and that is what i'm going through right now.. long distance relationship is really not my thing.. and i really do not have any clue when will this kind of relationship ends. so far, what we are trying to do is act like it's just another sem break, so we're apart for a few weeks.. but hopefully, it won't turn to be a very loooong 'sem break'...

i hate the feeling of missing him too much... it's like i can't do anything about it. i can't just see him whenever i want, and i can't see his face and touch him and feel the warmth of his hands.. huhuhu.. LDR sucks.. and with the people around us who have been together for a long time, and they broke up just because of this LDR thing, it's killing me and worrying me.. it's not that i'm not trusting him and it's not that he doesn't trust me.. it's just that i just hate to be apart from him..

yes, i have to admit, i am being too clingy with him, because he showed me what it was to care for someone and be there for you through your worst condition and your most gorgeous and beautiful moments.

ok, thinking about him and writing this on the blog making me missing a lil bit more.. NOT HELPING AT ALL..!! lol.. ok bye!

a good friend

i don't know how should i put this, but i'm not liking the fact right now that i just knew...

i'm not saying it's wrong for you to move on.. as a matter of fact, it's for the best and i am so glad you can move on... but, the girl that you chose was not a good match.. yes, i have no rights to say who's a good catch for you and who's not.. it's your life and you know the people around you more than i do..

it's making me sick that after all the nonsense that you knew she had put you through over a year, and you are one of the people who knows the most about her life, and yet you chose her..??? how desperate are you right now..

i won't be like her, saying and spreading words that they're not a good catch for me.. i won't say that, cos at the end of the day, i don't know her that well, and i don't have the rights to judge her, but from what i can see and what i know about her, since i used to be close to her, she is not good enough for you..

you deserve someone better, babe!! come on!! are you sure you want to be with her.. and introduce her to your mom one fine day..??? are you sure..?? hmmm.. i don't think so.. i thought you were the one who said you don't wanna rush into all this love mess, and you wanna make friends now, and search for love when you are ready.. but why right now you can't seem to be living without a girl in your life? come on la weyh!!! seriously, you can do better..

but then again, i can only say it like this.. i do not have the rights to your life..

who knows, your mission or your dream or whatsoever you were calling it all this while will come true and you manage to change her to a better person.. and at the same teaching you to be a better person as well, just like everyone is trying to learn from their experiences in life.

at least, her wait will finally pay off...!!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

2011- it's time to change

it's a brand new year people!!! woot! woot! it has been 23 days into the new year, and things are looking great for me.. =)

as usual, since the last post that i posted in my blog, well, like i said, things had change for the better. how much better you might ask.. well, let's just say that what i hope for came true.

for those who still didn't know.. well, i am in LOVE... again!! the date to remember was 19th december 2010.. why that date was chosen was not a big deal, because at that moment, i felt that it is the right time for me to start a brand new experience with a brand new man of my life.

yes, since the last blogpost i've posted, things was like a rollercoaster ride...and the ride was not a smooth ride.. i could throw up anytime during that period.. lol.. not saying that i'm the most hottest or wanted girl for the guys, but i must say, i admit that i was not being a good one. i always said that i do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but yet, at the end of the day, i've hurt a lot of feelings. but, after awhile, i must say, that it is all for the best.

making a decision was a pretty tough one for me. too caught up with the idea of not hurting anyone had made me at the end of the day, the girl who breaks people'e heart. i apologize from the bottom of my heart for whatever things that i've done to any of them, but i just had to do what i have to do. for that few months(after my break with the ex) i was trying to please everyone, without thinking of what is best for me. taking too much time to finally noticed this had made it all worse. but at the end of the day. thank god, i finally did what i had to do. though there were some awkwardness to some individuals, but, we're working on it slowly. =)

the man in my life now is my priority right now.. and the weirdest part was that being with him had made me the person i was never before. he had truly open my doors to the things that i don't really show to people-my sensitive characters and all that. he had made me the girl who can open up and communicate and not run from any of my problems or our problems. he listens to every single thing i said, but the best part was he talks to me too, which is what i needed the most, a man who can talk to me.

and i know, he loves me for me, and even if there's part of me that i'm sure he dislikes, he'll try and talk to me about it.. but, at the end of the day, he still loves me.... *smile*

and seriously, i am hoping this will be the last person i will ever be with, cos i don't know if i can ever find anyone who understands me and accepts me better than he did..

people might say, oh, u guys are still new... everything is chirpy and happy.. wait till the next few months, and you will not what's in store for you. well, you know what... though it might be a very fresh relationship, we had our ups and downs. some problems are solved, but some are yet to get better, we're still working on it.. and i can say that i am ready to face anything that's coming on in the future... we will try to fight it, come what may!

so, 2011.. come and work with me so that the changes are for the better..

Sunday, August 22, 2010

it's a new day.. it's a new's a new life..

well.. well..well.. hello people of the world!!! how are you people.. hihi.. notice i'm being very chirpy and there's no sign of sadness, heartbreak or anything right..?? ngehehehe...

well, damn right i am super happy about stuff.. as a matter of fact, i amsuper happy about everything i have in my life right now.. this is actually by far one of the most greatful ramadhan i've ever had.. hihi...

so, yeah, this post is about brand new spirit in life... people might be asking what happen after the last blog post... do i stop dancing with that man? or do i still dance to the same old tune? or do i finally take one of the guy's hands that was standing at the side..? well, my final answer will be... we're all dancing together to the beat.. confusing eh..? hehhe..

well, let's just say, me n the man that i love.. well, things didn't work out as plan.. were now dancing to a new beat, to a new tune... a surprising turn actually.. but you know what, i am glad that to say that we are finally friends.. yeap, we are back to being friends.. we've talked things through, i've said what i've wanted to say all this while, and he have said what he wanted(i think)..

seriously, our relationship right now is waaay better than what we had before.. no stress, no questioning myself what i did wrong and stuff like that.. stuff that gave stress to myself and the people around me.. some people might not get it, how can we turn into another beat in a split second.. well, let's just say, after talking to each other, i finally know what's our problem..

so, end up, the best way is to be friends, like how we used to be at this time last year.. hihii.. that was the best..!

so, yeah, i am back in the single market... i mean, i'm not that eager to look around.. but i don't mind meeting new people, and date around..i'm not into getting serious with anyone yet.. i mean, this is me talking right now.. can't predict what would happen later, right..? hihi...

so, people!! i am at the highest level of happiness right now.. by breaking up, i actualy didn't lose anything.. as a matter of fact, i got my friend back!! =)

Friday, August 13, 2010

-total eclipse of the heart-

this have been going on this whole sem, i can say.. gosh, i can't believe how i manage to hold on to this for a few months now.. what is my problem, you may ask? but, all i can say is that i am in love.. and there's great possibilities that i am dancing on the dancefloor alone, without a partner, and i just didn't realise that, while all the rest of the audience can see and felt pity that i'm dancing alone..

even some of them step out and try to offer them their hands, but i just don't believe that i'm dancing alone, cos i can see him there.. he is right in front of me, dancing with me through this whole journey.. it's just that he didn't say anything, he just stood there, dancing, silently.. yes, there may be times when i did go and accept the other gentleman's hands.. but it's only for the sake of dancing.. cos even before the song is over, i'll be running back to you, and leaving them alone there, cluelessly standing there..

and i don't get it either.. at times, when i THINK i'm dancing with you, your eyes are not meeting mine.. your eyes are somewhere else.. somewhere out of the spotlight that's on us... it's too dark there, so i can't see who or what you're looking at.. but at times, i can see her coming over on the spotlight, with her red velvet dress, and her eyes are on you too.. and so i thought..

at times while we're on the dancefloor, somebody will come and whisper to me that he doesn't like the way i'm dancing.. so, i tried to change my moves.. but you don't seem to accept that too.. i smiled more, i tried to create conversations, but you're not responding well.. maybe i gave up too quickly on pleasing him with my dance moves... i need to practice more, but it seems like he doesn't care how much practice i have.. and so i thought...

i try to grab your attention, i'll dance more in front of you, just to grab your attention again, till i hurt myself, and i sprained my ankle.. i don't know if you realised it or not, cos your eyes are still not on me, and you didn't even bother asking about it..

a few hands take me away from you, they say i need to stop dancing.. it's just hurting you more, and it's not good for you.. and i listen to them, i stand by at the corner, just till my legs are ok again.. and i saw you there, still in the dancefloor, alone, or again.. and so i thought.. at times, i can see you are tired, i can see that you need your rest too, and at times, you fall right on the dancefloor.. oh, how i really feel like going in and get you back up.. be there when you're at your lowest point.. but i can't.. ego strikes.. and i addition to that, this people are slowly crowding you up, and all i can do is just stand there, while watching others help you on..

i tried calling you up, you looked at me, and gave me a smile... that smile.. that smile is enough for me to feel that i need to get back on the dancefloor.. and i did run back in.. and you're there... the spotlight is on you.... and i adore that so much...

but wait.... what is this..? there's another 2 spotlights beside him.. it hits on this two gentleman.. they have a mask on their faces, so, i don't really know who are this two guys.. who are they? i think that maybe i did dance with them once or twice before this, and i know they made me laugh a lot while we're dancing.. but why are they here..???


p/s : too much passion for dancing i must say.. hehe.. just to be clear, these are all my thoughts.. and it is only my judgment on what's running through his mind.. so, don't go blaming on him ok! =)


let me get this straight... i just kinda notice this in me.. cos i can slowly see it in me that i have this weird characteristics... i can say myself as a chameleon, yes, chameleon is this animal in the picture.. the one that can change it's color depending on the environment it's in.. if it's laying on a green grass, then it will change it's color to green, and so on..

so, why do i say that i am like a chameleon..? well, despite the laziness i have and a bigger lower body part than the rest of the body, i feel like my characteristics changes depending on the circle of friends i'm with..

so, why do i say that, i'll ask again.. well i realised that i treat people based on how they treat me, eventhough my heart don't really mean it that way.. sometimes, i feel like i have split personalities.. hehe.. ok, for instance, let's say, you are one caring person towards me, which means that you care about me, you always ask me about my whereabouts, what i like, what i don't like, or even telling me if there's something wrong with me, then i'll treat that person the same way. i ADAPT myself to that kind of characteristics. so, i'll be doing the same thing to that person.. i will show that i care, i will always ask if they are ok, and anything in between that.

and of course there are people who gives me a total opposite treatment.. texting me is not a frequent thing to do, asking me out is not something that you like to do, or showing that you care is an impossible thing for you to do, then i'll be doing the same thing to you too!! i'll try to ignore your existence (eventhough my heart wants to talk to you badly), i won't text you unless i need to (eventhough my hands wants to type your name and send a text message even if to say 'hi', and when there is a serious need to text you, i will be doing that in split seconds) and i would not ask you out ( eventhough my eyes wants to see you badly each day).. so yeah, if you are that kind of person, i will treat you that way..

i am super fine with that kind of chameleon characteristics i have until i realised that it is not making me super happy about it especially to someone that i really want to care badly.. i know that that person is not treating me well, and i can't blame him alone, cos i am doing the same thing too.. i might say that i try to work things out, but how hard did i try to work things out and get what i want..

yes, people say, JUST BE YOURSELF... but i am being myself.. THIS IS ME.. this is me with the chameleon characteristics.. i'm not trying to impress anybody at any time.. this is just who i am.. cos for me, different people needs different treatments and approaches to communicate with them.. but why NOW, i want to change that because of one person..? i will slowly sometimes put down my ego and my pride so that i can get a total different treatment that i really want badly..

so, how do i get this to him? to make him realised how badly i'm feeling inside.. how uneasy i am when i don't talk to you when you're right there in front of me.. how i wake up every morning hoping that i'll get a text message from him, even if that means that text message was from the previous night, but i just didn't realise it cos i was sleeping.. how restless i am thinking that whether i should cal u or not, if i'm in a big deep problem, and i need someone that can help me, but i'm just afraid to call you cos i'm scared that i will be another burden in your life or even bother you during that time..

so, can someone help me.. and guide me... tell me whether i should really change myself for this one person, or stay as i am...THE CHAMELEON