Sunday, August 22, 2010

it's a new day.. it's a new's a new life..

well.. well..well.. hello people of the world!!! how are you people.. hihi.. notice i'm being very chirpy and there's no sign of sadness, heartbreak or anything right..?? ngehehehe...

well, damn right i am super happy about stuff.. as a matter of fact, i amsuper happy about everything i have in my life right now.. this is actually by far one of the most greatful ramadhan i've ever had.. hihi...

so, yeah, this post is about brand new spirit in life... people might be asking what happen after the last blog post... do i stop dancing with that man? or do i still dance to the same old tune? or do i finally take one of the guy's hands that was standing at the side..? well, my final answer will be... we're all dancing together to the beat.. confusing eh..? hehhe..

well, let's just say, me n the man that i love.. well, things didn't work out as plan.. were now dancing to a new beat, to a new tune... a surprising turn actually.. but you know what, i am glad that to say that we are finally friends.. yeap, we are back to being friends.. we've talked things through, i've said what i've wanted to say all this while, and he have said what he wanted(i think)..

seriously, our relationship right now is waaay better than what we had before.. no stress, no questioning myself what i did wrong and stuff like that.. stuff that gave stress to myself and the people around me.. some people might not get it, how can we turn into another beat in a split second.. well, let's just say, after talking to each other, i finally know what's our problem..

so, end up, the best way is to be friends, like how we used to be at this time last year.. hihii.. that was the best..!

so, yeah, i am back in the single market... i mean, i'm not that eager to look around.. but i don't mind meeting new people, and date around..i'm not into getting serious with anyone yet.. i mean, this is me talking right now.. can't predict what would happen later, right..? hihi...

so, people!! i am at the highest level of happiness right now.. by breaking up, i actualy didn't lose anything.. as a matter of fact, i got my friend back!! =)

Friday, August 13, 2010

-total eclipse of the heart-

this have been going on this whole sem, i can say.. gosh, i can't believe how i manage to hold on to this for a few months now.. what is my problem, you may ask? but, all i can say is that i am in love.. and there's great possibilities that i am dancing on the dancefloor alone, without a partner, and i just didn't realise that, while all the rest of the audience can see and felt pity that i'm dancing alone..

even some of them step out and try to offer them their hands, but i just don't believe that i'm dancing alone, cos i can see him there.. he is right in front of me, dancing with me through this whole journey.. it's just that he didn't say anything, he just stood there, dancing, silently.. yes, there may be times when i did go and accept the other gentleman's hands.. but it's only for the sake of dancing.. cos even before the song is over, i'll be running back to you, and leaving them alone there, cluelessly standing there..

and i don't get it either.. at times, when i THINK i'm dancing with you, your eyes are not meeting mine.. your eyes are somewhere else.. somewhere out of the spotlight that's on us... it's too dark there, so i can't see who or what you're looking at.. but at times, i can see her coming over on the spotlight, with her red velvet dress, and her eyes are on you too.. and so i thought..

at times while we're on the dancefloor, somebody will come and whisper to me that he doesn't like the way i'm dancing.. so, i tried to change my moves.. but you don't seem to accept that too.. i smiled more, i tried to create conversations, but you're not responding well.. maybe i gave up too quickly on pleasing him with my dance moves... i need to practice more, but it seems like he doesn't care how much practice i have.. and so i thought...

i try to grab your attention, i'll dance more in front of you, just to grab your attention again, till i hurt myself, and i sprained my ankle.. i don't know if you realised it or not, cos your eyes are still not on me, and you didn't even bother asking about it..

a few hands take me away from you, they say i need to stop dancing.. it's just hurting you more, and it's not good for you.. and i listen to them, i stand by at the corner, just till my legs are ok again.. and i saw you there, still in the dancefloor, alone, or again.. and so i thought.. at times, i can see you are tired, i can see that you need your rest too, and at times, you fall right on the dancefloor.. oh, how i really feel like going in and get you back up.. be there when you're at your lowest point.. but i can't.. ego strikes.. and i addition to that, this people are slowly crowding you up, and all i can do is just stand there, while watching others help you on..

i tried calling you up, you looked at me, and gave me a smile... that smile.. that smile is enough for me to feel that i need to get back on the dancefloor.. and i did run back in.. and you're there... the spotlight is on you.... and i adore that so much...

but wait.... what is this..? there's another 2 spotlights beside him.. it hits on this two gentleman.. they have a mask on their faces, so, i don't really know who are this two guys.. who are they? i think that maybe i did dance with them once or twice before this, and i know they made me laugh a lot while we're dancing.. but why are they here..???


p/s : too much passion for dancing i must say.. hehe.. just to be clear, these are all my thoughts.. and it is only my judgment on what's running through his mind.. so, don't go blaming on him ok! =)


let me get this straight... i just kinda notice this in me.. cos i can slowly see it in me that i have this weird characteristics... i can say myself as a chameleon, yes, chameleon is this animal in the picture.. the one that can change it's color depending on the environment it's in.. if it's laying on a green grass, then it will change it's color to green, and so on..

so, why do i say that i am like a chameleon..? well, despite the laziness i have and a bigger lower body part than the rest of the body, i feel like my characteristics changes depending on the circle of friends i'm with..

so, why do i say that, i'll ask again.. well i realised that i treat people based on how they treat me, eventhough my heart don't really mean it that way.. sometimes, i feel like i have split personalities.. hehe.. ok, for instance, let's say, you are one caring person towards me, which means that you care about me, you always ask me about my whereabouts, what i like, what i don't like, or even telling me if there's something wrong with me, then i'll treat that person the same way. i ADAPT myself to that kind of characteristics. so, i'll be doing the same thing to that person.. i will show that i care, i will always ask if they are ok, and anything in between that.

and of course there are people who gives me a total opposite treatment.. texting me is not a frequent thing to do, asking me out is not something that you like to do, or showing that you care is an impossible thing for you to do, then i'll be doing the same thing to you too!! i'll try to ignore your existence (eventhough my heart wants to talk to you badly), i won't text you unless i need to (eventhough my hands wants to type your name and send a text message even if to say 'hi', and when there is a serious need to text you, i will be doing that in split seconds) and i would not ask you out ( eventhough my eyes wants to see you badly each day).. so yeah, if you are that kind of person, i will treat you that way..

i am super fine with that kind of chameleon characteristics i have until i realised that it is not making me super happy about it especially to someone that i really want to care badly.. i know that that person is not treating me well, and i can't blame him alone, cos i am doing the same thing too.. i might say that i try to work things out, but how hard did i try to work things out and get what i want..

yes, people say, JUST BE YOURSELF... but i am being myself.. THIS IS ME.. this is me with the chameleon characteristics.. i'm not trying to impress anybody at any time.. this is just who i am.. cos for me, different people needs different treatments and approaches to communicate with them.. but why NOW, i want to change that because of one person..? i will slowly sometimes put down my ego and my pride so that i can get a total different treatment that i really want badly..

so, how do i get this to him? to make him realised how badly i'm feeling inside.. how uneasy i am when i don't talk to you when you're right there in front of me.. how i wake up every morning hoping that i'll get a text message from him, even if that means that text message was from the previous night, but i just didn't realise it cos i was sleeping.. how restless i am thinking that whether i should cal u or not, if i'm in a big deep problem, and i need someone that can help me, but i'm just afraid to call you cos i'm scared that i will be another burden in your life or even bother you during that time..

so, can someone help me.. and guide me... tell me whether i should really change myself for this one person, or stay as i am...THE CHAMELEON