Friday, October 24, 2008

1% confidence

sadly, nowadays, especially today was my totally breaking point..
i feel like i'm d most ugliest person ever.. only lately i realised i am seriously gaining weight n obviously ppl who didn't see me for quite some time will tell me dat.. jus imagine, how can i have the confidence i used to have if each relative's house i went to last raya will tell me dat i'm gaining weight.. and it's d first thing that they noticed.. when i wanna go n salam with them, that is the thing they said to me.. it was a big pang for me.. it's like evryday i'm hearing the same thing over n over again.. n how would u feel if ur own best friend that u have known for a long time called u GEMUK in ur face when u meet each other after quite some time..?? it really hurts me when i think about it.. i know i'm kinda bad to do this, but because of that, i don't feel like hanging out with her cos i know, she will say something later.. ys, it's good to have a best friend who tells u the truth, but, dealing with sensitive issues for a girl like dis, u need to be very careful with ur words.. that made me realised that although she's my best friend, i don't think i could ever talk to to her about my problem, my life.. it has always been about her, n her latest scandal, n how great her life is in her campus.. i'm not jealous with her life, but, sometimes u just need someone to hear u n jus focus on u.. right now, my life, i dun think i can talk to anybody.. i can only talk to myself or..hurmm..right it in here.. n evrything that i'm feeling is not 100% coming out from my heart.. u might say i have other friends n other family members that i can talk to.. u know what, now i realised that most of my friends they were only meant to feel the emptiness in my heart.. meaning they were always there when i need someone to have conversation with.. it's not always about me n my problems.. it's always about them n their life.. not that i'm bored or tired of hearing their stories, believe me, i love when they talk to me about their problems cos it's like they trust me with their problems, but sometimes, i jus need my own space and moment to talk.. hurmm. enough about frens.. let's come back to the problem of confidence.. where is the girl who didn't care what other ppl say about her..?? where is the girl who are soo confidence and thinks she have the perfect body..?? where is the girl who thinks she's soo precious like any other girls.. u know what,i've never felt like this, but this couple of days, the only thing that was playing in my head when i'm alone was how should i lose weight..?? n there is time when i think that i shud try n be a bulimic or anorexic just to make evryone jus shut up.. i am totally at my lowest point tonight when all i think was i'm the fattest in my family.. n i don't know why, i feel like people are always giving me the stare like "how could she gain so much weight? where is the girl who was thin last time?" n that is also the reason why i prefer staying at home, rather than going out.. i'm slowly sinking but nobody wants to help me float back again.. they're just trying to let me drift away from them.. ughhh!!! i hate this feeling!!!! no one around me understands what i'm going through and what's playing in my mind.. i really don't have anyone to talk to now..

No comments: